sunday
11:33 p.m.
had a nice quiet weekend here.
will write more soon, it's late and i'm tired.
i need to cool it on the insecurity, though. it can sure put a dent in your day.
but what can you do? the mind plays tricks, tells you things you don't want to hear...
is it a trust thing, or just self-doubt, not believing in yourself?
i'm a big boy...repeat untill it's believable.
umm, hold on, i need to find something...
ok...in the introduction to marianne faithfull's autobiography faithless there's a story about when she was doing the threepenny opera...this line is from "the solomon song"...
"how sad the heart, when it has won."
hmm, that means something to me right now, i'm just not sure what.
i have no claim on anyone's heart...WHY should i imagine the worst? because i don't believe in myself?
i know how i'd like things to end up...sorta. i'm trying to be careful not to...embarrass anyone.
i said recently "it's so fucking close."
but to what?
what I want?
MY idea of... perfect?
there IS no perfect, we all know that.
sometimes i picture my heart like two open hands...reaching for...?
i'm not sure. oh, well, maybe i have a pretty good idea.
on a good day, i do.
fuck, this is getting weird here.
i don't want to end up like travis in paris, texas...ok, that's an obscure reference.
i told rob we need to write a song called "now i know why they write those songs". because i DO. not the sad ones...
really, over the last several months, i've been able to knock down any perceived...umm, threats one by one. i won't go into that, it's embarrassing.
last weekend was good for me, i told you that.
i'm stickin' around.
in for a penny, in for a pound. whatever that means!
look, it's me.
i'm right here.
"Stay In Touch"
by Joni Mitchell
This is really something
People will be envious
But our roles aren't clear
So we musn't rush
Still, we're burning brightly
Clinging like fire to fuel
I'm grinning like a fool
Stay in touch
We should stay in touch
Oh! Stay in touch
In touch
Part of this is permanent
Part of this is passing
So we must be loyal and wary
Not to give away too much
Til we build a firm foundation
And empty out old habits
Old habits
Stay in touch
We should stay in touch
Oh! Stay in touch
In touch
During times like these
The wise or influential
They can bear the imperfections
They can keep the honey
No doubt about it
No doubt that's essential
No doubt that's always been a tricky one for me
So, we should just surrender
Let fate and duty shape us
Let light hearts make us
Let the worries hush
In the middle of this continent
In the middle of our time on Earth
We receive one another
Stay in touch
We should stay in touch
Oh! Stay in touch
In touch