daddy stays home...
7:54 p.m.

well, hello.

ok, this is gonna be long-winded, personal, a little embarrassing, but honest. will contain adult language and...stuff.

it's been a intereresting week. this guy...i'm gonna call him big john, has been messaging me...he lives up in mac-town...25. we've talked a little... he whipped it out for me on cam....nice. i sent him some pics, a face shot and a dick shot...he liked. he said we should hook up...i said i don't really do that..he asked why...i said well you don't know anything about me, blahblahblah...

we chatted again the other night...

john: hi
kstyle57: hey there
john: whats up
kstyle57: not much just got home from work
john: what are you doing now?
kstyle57: just chilling
john: horny?
kstyle57: always a little
kstyle57: maybe we can have a little cam fun sometime
john: now?
kstyle57: hmmmm
kstyle57: well...maybe
john: ok
kstyle57: not trying to be evasive, more a little shy maybe
kstyle57: i've gotta admit, i'm not really into hookups with people i dont know, but i do like cam fun
john: ok
kstyle57: i mean, maybe we can get to know each other, it takes time
kstyle57: i AM playing a little bit
john: mmmm
john: on cam?
kstyle57: soon i think
kstyle57: warming up
kstyle57: gonna set it up and see how it looks, lighting, etc
john: ok
kstyle57: ok, i see ya, thanks
kstyle57: ok what the hell, right?
john: mmmmmm
john: mmmmmmm
kstyle57: thanks
john: i'd suck you so fast
kstyle57: got a goatee?
kstyle57: hmm, youre gone?
kstyle57: someone walk in?:)
kstyle57: damn

his cam went dark...he came back in a few minutes...

john: you there?
kstyle57: yep
john: nice
john: almost got caught
kstyle57: hmm, could be fun
john: nonono
john: u have a hot dick
kstyle57: thanks, it not that big but...i like it
john: it's great
john: i'd love to play with it tonight
john: want me to?
kstyle57: would be fun, yeah...
john: i never hook up
john: but i think i could with you
john: age again?
kstyle57: haha 47
john: mmmmmmmmmmmm
john: eureka?
kstyle57: yep
john: i'm in mac
john: damn
john: i'm serious
kstyle57: well, lets have some fun now
john: i'd do it tonight
john: i never say that
john: wanna show face?
kstyle57: yeah
johnk: ok
kstyle57: cute
john: u2
john: come pick me up
kstyle57: ahh i can't
john: y?
kstyle57: don't really know you
john: i know
john: just some bj's
john: no biggie
kstyle57: naw, it is to me, im very cautious
john: i have a girlfriend
john: i'm cautious
kstyle57: i guess, wow
john: ok
john: i guess it's not happenin
kstyle57: i just can't
john: wanna see me cum?
kstyle57: yes
john: watch
kstyle57: i will too

he went and got a towel...i couldn't tell if he came or not...then he left.

ok. now...lots of you know about my cam stuff, i make no bones about it, i enjoy it...i've made some good friends at awc who i can really talk to...macka, sw,...it goes way beyond just jacking off...we talk deep shit sometimes. and if john wants to play, if i'm into it, i'll play. but someone willing to get into a stranger's car and be taken somewhere...nooooo, i can't go there. the first time we talked he asked me several times if i was negative...i am, but i could have been lying, right? i could have boy's heads in the freezer for all he knows. and big john is a BIG beefy boy...so...no.

trust is important, and would YOU trust someone wanting to hook up like that, who says he never does? i can't. it's too scary, and totally not what i'm looking for.

rob c. said "I think I'd be REALLY careful with a curious straight guy. I can just see him being really into it until he came, then having a post-orgasm total change of heart, being angry at himself, and taking it out on, well, you. I mean, this guy did switch off right after he came... Not trying to scare you, but I think you know what I mean."

oh, do i ever.

i'm not trying to be judgemental here, i didn't give him shit about it, i just said no. i have a feeling i won't hear from him again.

i read somewhere once where some guy said "it's just not in the nature of gay men to be monogomous." well, i don't agree. perhaps if i was in my 20's, and hadn't gone through the aids era, i'd feel different. i was never promiscious....ok, that's spelled wrong, i'm sure.

the stuff that goes on at awc...that's about immediate gratification, self vindication...visual stimulus...and a sort of fellowship, if that doesn't sound too silly. my boys there will know what i mean. it's safe, it's fun...i'm not ashamed of it. it comes and goes...lately i've just gone to chat...but if i meet some sexy skinny boy there, or a hot hairy daddy, or whatever...and we have fun together...then we have fun together. if i told you the last time i really had sexual contact prior to me and jrob playing in july, well...haha, nevermind, cuz i'm NOT telling you.

lust is one thing...i lust every day. lust comes from the mind, and the crotch, not the heart. i don't want sex if the heart isn't along for the ride. but you have to start somewhere...

and WHY should it be so hard to tell someone you just want to hold them? i'm still working on that one...

and john either lives with a gf, or else his fucking MOM almost walked in on him....that's baggage i don't have room for in my little smurf car.

but wait, there's more...

last night i was in the local gay.com room, i told you i've been getting braver about that...there was this boy in there, i've seen him around a lot...a cute fillipino lad with a shaved head, college boy... 6 ft. tall! i almost said "wow, you're tall for an asian!"...VERY un-pc, right? anyhoo, he privated me...let's call him "phil"...

phil: hey
me: hi there
p: hows it going?
me: good. i've seen your pics before...local?
p: humboldt
m: ahh ok was up there the other day, too many distracting boys...good thing eye candy is fat free
p: i love eye candy! can i see your private pics?
m: do i HAVE private pics? i just loaded 5 new ones up tonight
p: i'm not a paying member, so i can only see the default one
m: ahh ok..how? email?
p: sure
m: gimmie a minute or two

(sent him a few face shots and a dick pic...i'm not leading anyone on, my profile is pretty casual, i don't say i'm looking for action, ok?)

p: nice pics
m: thanks
p: can you pick me up?
m: well, how much do you weigh?

(ohhh, i'm soooo funny!)

p:180
m :i could throw you around maybe
p: what?
m: you meant pick you up and bring you home? sorry, i was making a funny, but that's what you meant?
p: would love to have your cock up my ass
m: i would too, but you don't know a thing about me
p: you've never hooked up with a guy you just met?
m: no way

(we talked about school and work...one of his pics has him with his mom!)

m: does mom know she's on gay.com?
p: i don't think so
m: for the best. you are a cutie tho...daddy loves him some asian boys
p: you'll be my daddy?
m: well, i'm old enough
p: if i can drive there, you'll pay for gas?
m: and then?
p: we'll see
m: sounds great, really wish i could
p: but?
m: it's just not what i do
p: cool, cool...
m: but you made my night anyway, thanks
p: can we chat on the phone?
m: can't tonight, actually, going to bed soon...you ever get into webcam stuff ? i love that
p: sorry, i don't have a cam...

we talked a bit more and he had to go...

ok, that was interesting, i was nice, right? i mean, TWO days in a row...."can you pick me up?"

hmm, after all this, i'm not even sure what the point of this whole entry actually is. am i uptight, old fashioned, square? no, i just know what i want and how i want it.. i'm WAY too old for a fucking booty call! it's scary, potentially dangerous, and just not my style.

would i like my dick up some beautiful boy's ass once in a while? of COURSE i would, that's not the point.

i'm not stupid...but i AM alone. is THAT the trade-off?

- m.