therapy
1:36 a.m.
i still can't write much.
the libido has been in hyper drive this week, like mr. spock needing to get back to vulcan in a hurry.
john in mack-town sure wants to meet up, but i just can't. i don't trust him. he just wants to get off.
i want a BF.
EVERYTHING boils down to sex, though, in the end.
had a long 2 hr chat therapy session with a friend last night, someone who's actually TRAINED in that field. he really made me think. THIS should fill up some space here:
jt: can i suggest something?
kstyle57: ok
jt: how did his skin feel?
jt: smooth?
kstyle57: yes
kstyle57: soft
jt: close your eyes and touch somewhere on yourself that is smooth and soft, and visualise that you are him
jt: no masturbation though
kstyle57: ha!
jt: touch that part of you and touch it like you touched him
kstyle57: ok, that just makes me miss him
jt: you are him though, is the point
jt: visualise that
jt: the idea is to experience yourself what you were trying to share with him
kstyle57: hmm, but stil something is missing
jt: do you need someone to touch you?
jt: volunteers, do we have any volunteers?
_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _
jt: now for the bad news
jt: do you want my opinion?
kstyle57: yes
jt: ok
jt: my opinion is that you are hooked on a delusion, that you created a person who is not there, and pushed the real person too far, offering gifts in exchange...you have been soliciting
kstyle57: oh maybe a little
jt: But it is only an opinion
kstyle57: but i loved doing it, and we talked about that, i said you know i don't take you to dinner to get in your pants
kstyle57: hooked on a delusion, hmm, ok to some degree
jt: but it is the long term goal
jt: to get into someone's pants
jt: to feel closeness
kstyle57: well yes
jt: to exchange actions that validate us
jt: to make us feel cared for
jt: notice that each of those things is internal
kstyle57: oh, my head
jt: am I making you think too much?
kstyle57: i always do
_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _
jt: one other thing
jt: if you love him
jt: truly love
jt: without expectation
jt: you can continue with who you are and accept who he is, and create a truly loving relationship, but it may not be romantic, it may be a relationship modeled after some other relation that you each need fulfilled.
kstyle57: yes
jt: I would like to point out that there are healthy ways for you to continue the realtionship as is
jt: however expecting more than he can give is unacceptable and will damage your relationship, and you
kstyle57: yes it already has
i mean, it was TWO HOURS of THAT!
oh i have little day to day things to catch up on here, but i'm still not in the mood. camping, the bbq, etc...i'll get to it all eventually.
god, i was down this week, but it's lifting.
there's something worng with everyone you know? something you want to change. ugh.
ok, that's all for now, haha!
- michael