RE-RUN #26
"drinking (a love story)"
2:59 a.m.

*special note*

today (march 26th) marks 4 years since i've had a drink :) so here's a little background on all that stuff...

original date: 10-20-02

here's some more stuff i did tonight...this looks like old-fashioned wallpaper...


and this turned out pretty cool...that says "michael" on the top, and "joy" on the bottom.

both of these originated with the "false bamboo" that i got out of the backyard tonight! ain't that sweet...those little leaves and branches gave up their lives in the name of art.

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LONG entry ahead! enter at your own risk!______________________________________

i've been reading some new diaries, and ya know, my life is pretty darn good...things could always be worse. that's my philosophy tonight.

i had some non-alcoholic white wine tonight, it wasn't too bad, actually. the red is terrible, it tasts like really sweet grape juice. and the beer i love, the old milwaukie six-pack is only 3 bucks. a few of those during a long evening at the pc...what's the harm? i wonder what a.a. says about it? it's been 218 days since i've had a real drink. most times i don't miss it. once in a while i think i'd kill for a nice glass of merlot, but i've never really been tempted. i wasn't a raving alcoholic, but it was really getting in the way of ...things. i was really tired of feeling like shit at work, and i know it had so much to do with my anxiety attacks, i just would never admit it. and i had some really bad ones, believe me. maybe someday i'll talk about that...about feeling like i was going to die...ick! ( i should start a xanax diaryring! that xanax banner was the lowest on click-throughs...0.7%. ha!) i just don't know if i could go back to being satisfied with one or two drinks, and i'm scared it could get out of control. but right now, it's not like i'm getting all sorts of things done. i havent been very motivated lately, and it's getting old. the allure of the whole internet thing HAS filled up a lot of my time, and NO it's not all about the porn! although it is nice to get some fresh flesh in the mail every morning...you go, yahoo! hahaha, to much information?

anyway, i just don't think drinking has a place in my life right now. when i stopped, i just STOPPED. no meetings, no nothin'. i had that "moment of clarity" and realized that it was all up to me. and i did it. i know exactly where i was. i was sitting in the truck, waiting to go to my eye exam. i drove because i was having a mid-level panic attack and couldn't face walking the mile or so to the exam. i got there early, so i had a little time. i told myself that this shit has got to stop. and it was like, "gee, it's all up to me...i can do it if i really want to." the anxiety wasn't about the eye exam, it was just a general feeling of fear and dread. the hangover wasn't helping. this was during my week off in march when i got this room all painted and fixed up cuz the computer was on it's way. i painted, got the rug shampooed, ordered mini-blinds, got the huge metal desk from work (for free!), bought the big comfy chair, bought little valance curtains, weeded through my books and decided what to take to the bookstore to sell (um, they're still in the garage!) i was being so productive, but still getting drunk at night and being mr.panic-boy during the day. i had to stop painting several times cuz i was getting too scared...not of all the changes, just SCARED. it was getting ridiculous. so after i stopped, the computer was soon here and all set up.talk about trading one addiction for another! those first few weeks i was getting about 3 hrs. of sleep a night. that wasn't too good for the old anxiety levels, but at least i wasn't drinking. i kept seeing myself drunk, slumped over the keyboard, and doing something really stupid, like wiping out a bunch of important stuff and not knowing what happened the next morning.

i'd like to think i could handle one or two drinks and be fine, but i can also see it getting quickly out of hand. i know some people can do it and be fine. i just don't know if i'm one of them! and right now i don't really NEED to know. now if i could only kick the ciggies...coffee was easy, and the boozerino was easy once i made up my mind to do it. i tell people smoking is the only vice i have left...i can't say i enjoy it like i used to, and i said i would never smoke in this freshly-painted room. THAT lasted a few months. i can really go through a pack pretty fast in here...

the funny thing about the non-whoopie booze is that when my computer was down for several days, i wasn't drinking it much. but put me in front of the monitor, and i've gotta have an o'doul's or two. go figure.

i would sure like to find a nice little merlot that was decent, though. the white WAS really good. and i know i'm gonna miss my hot brandy these cold months ahead. ahh, but i love my piping hot green tea, the chai green tea has cinnamon and cardomon in it..yum.

wow...well, THAT'S out of the way. done and dusted! (i got that from mick jagger on snl.) i hadn't really planned on bringing this up here, i thought this was just gonna be the two artwork dealies and off to bed. it's 3:30am, for goodness sakes! the cat's sleeping on the couch, better haul him off to bed. he's being more affectionate lately, he actually cuddles up with me. and he's coming in the house of his own accord, i guess cuz it's getting colder. or else he goes under the house and gets into the garage (there's a small hole in the wall that provides easy access) and when he knocks something over, i hear it and let him in the house! his new nickname is "pooter" and when he sneezes, he's "ka-snoozer"! god, talk about needing a 12-step program!

well, by tomorrow afternoon we should have a winner in the big coffee mug contest. i hope whoever it is will be willing to give me their address!

thanks for listening...mad love, m