life, death, sex, etc.
8:27 p.m.
hi.
ok, i want to talk a little more about trevvor and some other stuff.
that night rob and i went down to where he died....as i said i took a candle and some other stuff to leave there. reading all the notes people left was very emotional, but it was great when his family showed up, that meant more to me than attending the funeral, they're always so sad.
the night before that, when i asked rob if he wanted to go down there, he reminded me that years ago i had lent trevvor the velvet underground box set...i had totally forgotten about that. and that's why i left a banana down there, rob suggested that. you know, warhol's banana painting was on the cover of the first velvet's album. i think that would have made the boy smile.
and also the night before, at work, i was looking through an old new yorker that i had left in the breakroom. i found this amazing poem by louise gluck...
"the night migrations"
this is the moment when you see again
the red berries of the mountain ash
and in the dark sky
the birds' night migrations.
it grieves me to think
the dead won't see them -
these things we depend on,
they dissappear.
what will the soul do for solace then?
i tell myself maybe it won't need
these pleasures anymore;
maybe just not being is simply enough,
hard as that is to imagine.
wow. so i copied that and left that there too.
trevvor had been in a halfway house the last several months. it sounds like he had been doing really good.
the amazing thing is, the day before he died, saturday, he came into town, had lunch with his family, worked with deb in the yard...and the next morning the coroner was knocking at their door.
it's so great they had that time with him.
and i heard that the toxicology report said that there were no drugs in his system, so i think his family can feel good that whatever he was doing when he died...well, he was being good. maybe he was being robbed. there's been no news really about what happened, just that he was stabbed. today in the paper it said the police are following leads...guess we'll see what happens.
i showed sw the obituary and he left a note in the guestbook online, that made me cry.
i talked to a friend of mine yesterday who works at the funeral home. she said the service was packed. family, rehab people, all the punk kids...
anyway...
and my co-worker's daughter that died last week....several years ago she had a tubular pregnancy...i'm not real clear what happened, but it..burst, i guess. she was hemmoraging, and she lived way out in the sticks. they drove her to bridgeville and then she was helicoptered up here, but i guess she wasn't getting any oxygen for like 15 minutes. she was in a wheechair the rest of her life. her body was contorted. she did regain some speech eventually, but she needed help to do most everything. she caught pneomonia a few weeks ago. she had had it before but this was pretty bad and she didn't make it. i guess she might have been in her early 40's.
and...my boss's husband..his cancer is in a weird spot, like the back of his abdomen, close to his back. he had it in his lungs before, and the first time it was in his calf or something. i'd never heard of that before.
i dunno. life is short. it scares the shit out of me sometimes to see how fast time can go by. it's like i was busy doing something else, and i looked up and all of a sudden mick jagger is in his 60's! how the fuck did that happen?
i've said many many times here, i'm glad of all the stupid things i DIDN'T do when i was younger. so what now? do i throw caution to the wind? make up for lost time, and worry about the consequences later? is that what people do when there isn't as much "later" as there used to be?
i'm talking about sex and stuff, duh.
no. i'm too used to being careful. sure, some hot sweaty steamy whatever would be nice, but you know i'd settle for a lot less and be happy.
i think about all the "close-but-no-cigar"'s im my life, especially in the last few years. haha, no names, ok? what did i do wrong, and what did i do right?
all these people in the world, just kinda bumping into each other. sometimes it sticks, sometimes it doesn't.
you can't MAKE someone want you, duh duh duh.
life only has meaning when we GIVE it meaning, right?
i'm gonna go grab that quote from dennis cooper and post it here again, be right back...
ok, found it. it's from guide:
"...i want to earn someone's loyalty. i want to love someone so selflessly that he would never even think about going away. i suppose that's what most people want. in fact, that's probably why we don't kill one another all the time. everyone's just a little too lonely to risk it."
ok. well. hmm. so, to sum up...people live. people die. daddy wants some nookie...of some sort.
hehehehe...ok. back soon with something a bit more lighthearted, i promise.
love you guys...
- M.