god and sex and stuff...(with footnotes)
5:45 p.m.
ok, i think this is gonna be another long entry, but it's gonna be written by me, as opposed to some recent entries. tonight i'm gonna tell you some stuff about me...a few things you may have read before, but this is gonna be a list of facts and beliefs...with footnotes (in pink) at the bottom, so you're gonna have to go back and forth to get the whole story...how annoying!
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1. i can't swim.1
2. i can't drve a stick-shift.
3. i'm obviously not a great typist. (see above).
4. i've been told i have a perfectly-shaped head.
5. the last person who saw my erect penis said it was "a classic".2
6. i prefer "dick"...haha! i mean to say that "penis" sounds too clinical, and "cock" should only be used if you have dialog in a porno film. "dick" just sounds...friendly.
7. i think calling a woman a "cunt" has got to be the harshest thing you could do...funny how calling someone a "pussy" means something entirely different.
8. calling someone a "dick" OR an "asshole"...it means pretty much the same thing.
9. i've never registered to vote. ever. (d'oh! i KNOW i'm gonna get letters on this one...)3
10. i'm pretty much against abortion now...i used to feel different.4
11. reading the bible is like reading shakespeare...i can't follow it.
12. so, it's like one of god's fan clubs is on one side of the street. they believe a, b, and c. across the street is another fan club, and they believe in x, y, and z. both fan clubs believe they've got free passes to heaven. i don't get it. because everybody thinks THEY'RE right.
13. i've never heard anyone explain to my satisfaction about the people who never get to hear about god, you know, the people that missionaries are supposed to go find in the jungle or wherever. how can that be fair, that god doesn't let some folks in on the good news? so god plays favorites? isn't heaven supposed to be limitless? oh, those people already have their gods, but they're the WRONG ones, apparently.
14. i don't think god punishes. actually i don't think god "does" things. although i've been in a few foxholes in my life, and you bet your ass i asked for a little help....
15. i went to the pet store today and checked out their new fish room. in the dozens of aquariums, the amazingly beautiful fish in every color of the rainbow...i saw god. go look at the insanely perfect geometric symmetry of dahlias. THAT'S god...nice work. and look at honeycomb...THAT'S CRAZY!... (as brian fellow would say). why THAT shape? only god knows, and he ain't tellin'. everybody wants to know why, why, why. i think that at the end of the universe maybe there IS a brick wall, and honey, you just have to turn around and go back the way you came.
16. george carlin said that god makes mistakes...he can't even get two fingerprints the same! look at the trees...EVERY leaf is different. lily tomlin said "when we talk to god, we're said to be praying. when god talks to us, we're schizophrenic." dana carvey's little boy asked him "daddy, does god have feet?"
let's get back to the pleasures of the flesh, shall we?
17. all that s&m stuff, whips, chains, "yes, mistress, i've been a naughty boy"...like truman capote said, i wouldn't be able to keep a straight face. but hey, whatever floats your boat.
18. like i should talk...i've got PLENTY of fetishes and kinks. i got a google today: "ass freckle pictures". sure, i like freckles, red hair, and skin so pale you can see through it. but ass freckles? wow, there's some real sickos out there.5
19. i like a body without piercings and tattoos. if you see one, let me know.
20. i hate this whole thing of these...frat-boy types with tribal tattos. if you have a tattoo it should represent YOUR culture, no matter how cool "motley crue" looks on your arm in chinese. why don't computer geeks have tats of microchips? i DO like that image of a bar code on the back of the neck...now THAT'S our culture! though it strikes me as funny to have a tattoo that you can never see with you own eye.
21. a band like rancid is just a new version of sha na na.
22. for me, sex was best between the ages of 14 and 21. (rob on the phone tonight: "compared to NOW?") haha, fuck you! but seriously, it was fun, experimental and easy, not a duty or an obligation.
23. while i'm in support of all aspects of domestic partnership laws, i've gotta say i find gay weddings a bit weird. especially in a church, with the two grooms or brides all dressed up...oh, i know we're supposed to be just like everybody else, but we're not. i can see the importance of some kind of celebration or ceremony, but a full-blown gay wedding cracks me up. especially this...
(cue the cbs orchestra here..."letters, we get letters, we get stacks and stacks of letters..."). but again of course, to each his (or her) own. and nobody ever talks about gay D-I-V-O-R-C-E...
24. and gay adoption? well, a loving home is a loving home. but i do think some of the kids have to put up with a lot of shit from their peers when they reach a certain age...
25. and all these boys with droopy pants hangin' low, with their boxers showing above the waistband? sure, it's kinda hot, but it's just fashion. (AND a fetish. you should see all the yahoo groups dedicated to this stuff.) it's like bell-bottoms, it doesn't serve any purpose. it's not like bell-bottoms made you more aerodynamic or something.6
26. and these dang kids today, they don't even realize that there was a time when a boy (straight OR gay) who showed up at school with dyed hair or an earring would certainly have the shit kicked out of him. now they all do it, in grade school even!7
27. i don't really miss drinking, but i would DEARLY love a glass of really excellent merlot right now...not to get drunk, but mmmm, that sounds so good. monday is 300 days without a drink...i can't wait to say it's been a whole year.
28. i haven't smoked pot in almost 10 years. i sure loved it when i was younger, but it started to give me anxiety attacks, not relax me. i'd like to try just a little bit sometime...you have my address...kidding...
29. i've lost 6 lbs. since the first of the month...no candy at work, no ice cream...i'm trying to get up to walking 5 miles a day again, but the weather hasn't helped. i'm gonna look so GOOD this summer, i am gonna burn your eyeballs out, bitch!8
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well, i'm sure i could go on and on...i'd better go fill in those footnotes and get to bed... i work at 6:00 a.m. ugh. i bought the cat some catnip today, he's never had it...so maybe me and buddy will smoke a bowl...
i love you guys, thanks for listening...michael
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FOOTNOTES
1. i once got knocked down by a big wave at the beach when i was a kid. the look on my dad's face as he ran and grabbed me was terrifying. and even now, when i smell that swimming pool chlorine smell...oh, it's awfully scary. i don't mind hanging around in the shallow end, but for the most part water is NOT my friend. other things i'm afraid of: knives, guns, and snakes.
2. i'm not sure WHAT that meant exactly..."classic" always makes me think of michaelangelo's david...you know, smokin' bod, HUGE hands, but a tiny weenie. have you SEEN those hands? weird...but i told you before, i'm no dirk diggler either...so i guess...oh never mind, i'm not giving you exact measurements!
3.people always say "well, if you don't vote, you have no right to complain." but can't i bitch about the idiots YOU voted into office? well, not YOU of course, but you get my point.
4. i know several women who've had abortions, it's not like i hold anything against them...i would never protest outside a clinic, and those idiot christians that think that somehow god is ok with bombings and shooting doctors...that's the kind of thing that makes me think the bible has done us much more harm than good. i know this sounds contradictory here...i feel it IS taking a life, but i also know it's none of my business what other people do...i feel strongly about it PERSONALLY, but i'm not gonna fight to change the laws. that DOES sound like a contradiction. i mainly dislike the idea of an abortion when it's not "convienient" to have a baby...i guess i'm a "right-to-life" -er in that respect...incest or a life-threatening situation to the mother or child, i understand that more...i know this is gonna piss some people off. it's sex, politics, and religion, all tied up together in one big messy package...
5. can you tell i'm being a bit sarcastic? it's just another yahoogroup waiting to be formed...don't look at me!
6.god, i sound OLD. remember, i'm still 23 in HERE, where it counts.
7.AND YOU GODDAMN KIDS KEEP OFF OF MY LAWN!!!!
8.well, time will tell...we'll see what happens...if all of a sudden i find myself fitting into 29-inch waist levi's, you'll be the first to know.