friday
7:43 p.m.
ok.
well.
hmmm.
i got a long letter from j today.
and i know i'm gonna get some shit from people, but i'd rather have him in my life than not.
(see last entry)
it's not like we had a big arguement, we've never argued. there was a lot of pressure on me, that i put there myself, and i had to pop it.
look, i am being realistic. i know how things are.
but i can't just turn off my feelings right away either.
i feel like i have to let some air out of my heart right now.
i wrote him a long one back...
"so...i guess i'm trying to re-think things here.
are my feelings so ireversable that i can't be around you without wanting more?
could i be ok with just being friends and knowing that's it?
could i still reach out to you, hold you sometimes, and be ok with that?"
god, life is interesting.
this beats sitting at home, not knowing anyone.
am i setting myself up for more...whatever?
trust is important, his and mine.
life is full of options, right?
i'd feel bad just saying "i can't get what i want, so goodbye.
i thought i had to.
as long as i'm not fooling myself...that's the most important thing.
he means a great deal to me, and he's had a lot to do with my feeling so good about myself lately. even though i've been so stressed. but last weekend...well, i had to say what was on my mind.
and now, maybe we can see what's what.
ok, i'm going for a walk. will look foward to your comments. :)
- M.