insert frowny face here...
1:55 a.m.
ok, i'm just gonna spit this out quick and try not to put to much thought into it...
tonight someone at work said i was "wasting my life"...by not taking more advantage of being gay...that she felt i gave the impression that it was all fun and wonderful, but that she felt sad because i'm not "involved" with anyone. she thought i was mad, but i just said i thought it was a bit harsh...she asked me why i couldn't get close to anyone...oh, i hate writing about this shit. i said it's like everyone already has their stuff all mapped out, that sometimes i wish i could find someone who's just a blank slate...oh, i dunno what i'm even saying here...she said she worries about me...i gave her that old cliche..."i'm alone, not lonely..." ugh.
i was emailing with rob last night...
"..god, "fire island" is on bravo...it's a documentary about gays...i'm such a bad faggot, i'm not like them at all...mk"
"Why are you a bad "faggot?"
"oh, i mean i'd never fit in with "those people"...you have to see that show sometime..."
i dunno, it's like there's too many rules...i mean, i get the advocate, out, and genre...i keep up with what's going on...but i've always felt "outside" of all the mainstream gay stuff...
on the other hand, i know where i could go RIGHT NOW if i wanted to hang out in a dirty restroom and suck some dick:
(from cruising for sex.com )
Eureka:
Public Places
>> City Pier, Del Norte Street. Cruisy parking lot and nearby woods. From Highway 101, turn west onto Del Norte Street and head toward the bay and fishing pier.
>> Cruisy toilet under Samoa Bridge. From Fifth Street (northbound) or Fourth Street (southbound), take 'L'Street west until it ends at a north-south street right in front of the public gym on Humboldt Bay. Turn right, go half a mile and turn left, into the parking lot of the boat launch facilities.
>> Rockpile, The, on 'T' Street. Cruisy parking lot and nearby woods.
(actually, i have NO idea what the fuck "the rockpile" even is or where it's at...)
...but that's not me...i'm not that desperate...
life is so fucking complicated...sometimes.
is that MY fault?
i just don't know.